Lois Jane Kurtz

(Written by my mom, read by me.)
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Lois Jane Bandelow was born October 11, 1919, on the east side of Cleveland. She was the last of five children born to Frank and Marie Bandelow. Her siblings were Arthur, Albert (Bud), Florence, and Edith. Being the youngest, Lois was very much an observer of ‘how things were done,’ and the Bandelow family was an amazing family of many talents – painting, architecture, music, writing, life-long learning, caretaking – and a strong sense of generosity of spirit.


Lois saw that in her dad. As a wonderful builder, he had many crews working for him. Being a family business, her mother Marie would write the checks and Lois’ dad would deliver them personally to the workers each time, often taking Lois along with him. It was like her dad was hand-delivering a personal “thank you”.


Her mother and sister Aunt Nettie would also bake their family recipes – Bohemian donuts and cookies – to sell at the local factories, a very welcomed service for those hard-working men.


Hard times befell Lois’ family when the stock market fell in October 1929 – and yet Lois saw her father reaching out to help others. Lois’ father counciled other family members to pay off their mortgages, but he ended up holding many of the mortgages for several of them, or letting several families stay together in some of the houses he had built for a very small fee.


And then Lois’ mother passed away by the end of 1929. Lois was only 10 years old. Soon after that, Lois began doing what became second nature to her – being a caretaker, as I’m sure she has been for so many of us here – this time for her two sisters who had come down with scarlet fever. Sister Flo had to be quarantined, but the doctor said Lois wouldn’t get it, so she was the one who applied the lotion on the sores. She was only eleven. years. old – and no mom and no Aunt Anna there living with them any longer.


When Flo & Edie were better, their dad wanted to make sure all the girls kept a cheerful demeanor, so he insisted that they all do dishes together, but they must sing – in harmony! – while doing them. Lois had the harmony down pat. Her joyful singing voice delighted all those who heard her sing those wonderful old tunes all the rest of her life.


Lois was one of those people who was constantly learning about the world and instilling that love of learning to her children. There was the huge double-volume dictionary which everyone had to use when they had a question. “Let’s look it up!” was the common refrain. …And the wonderful multi-volumned encyclopedia which everyone referred to when doing school reports.


Lois shared her excitement and enthusiasm in her life with her own family. In essence: Nothing is impossible. Try your skills; be willing to try anything, there really are no limits. Do not shy away from trying various arts or careers – you never know until you try. She encouraged us all to be the best we could be. In other words: She believed in us.


There’s a poem by Mary Oliver that ends with the following lines:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?


Lois is a great example, to each of us here today, of a life lived generously, with good cheer, and fully. Grandma, thank you for being who you are, and for believing in each of us.

Notes from the road

Do I like traveling more than arriving?  - Anticipation, having a focus, being in the moment and present, movement and change. Via P. – Maybe by changing my environment I can see patterns.
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“Now the sun leads in the May, now desire of action wakes, and the wish to roam.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, from May Day
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Linden (tilia) – Mystic, poet, dreamer child. Follow your heart. Inner desire and strength. See beyond appearances. For our dreams to manifest, we must pursue them. The beauty of life, death, transformation.
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It’s been a long two weeks, of very hard questions.  What happens when people die? What will happen when I die?  At what point did I do enough?  If I’ll never feel like I have had enough time in my life, how will I ever be okay with that?  Am I doing the right things?  Is that a false question?  Is, instead, ‘being’ the more important concern than ‘doing’?  Are these questions even answerable?  If they’re impossible, how do you get past them?  Does it stem from guilt?  If it does, is there something I can figure out to do differently? Is it something I’m willing and able to do?


Realization regarding family: I don’t feel lacking in /all/ relationships in my life, and the ones where I don’t feel that way, it is easy and It flows (at least most of the time), /and/ these are the people with whom I many of the same values. The people where I feel I won’t measure up have different values. SO – Maybe the measuring stick is different.  Maybe my fears that I won’t be enough are not even needed; maybe the things that are troubling me are not on their radar in the same way at all.  Sometimes, I can be willing to not get what would mean the most to me out of some particular interaction, if I’m helping them get what they need.  So if deep conversations are my thing for what makes a strong connection, I could be compassionate to the idea that it’s not the only possibility: for others, it may be time spent together, even if that doesn’t feel ideal to me.


It’s worth me taking the time to ponder:  From /their/ values system, what would be helpful to them? And – you could really just /ask/ them, if you’re not sure. 


(Often it feels very, very difficult to ask, because I feel I should be able to know exactly what to do for everyone, and that not knowing is a failing. But it would be helpful to get over myself on this, because as much as it’s hard for me to ask, it may be harder for the other person to tell me what they need without having been asked.)


The only things I know to do in life are to love intensely, connect and share deeply, be extremely open. But these things, these things that, again, are literally all I know to be important, are not even on my parents’ radar in the same way at all. But if it’s worth me worrying about measuring up, then it’s worth figuring out what they do actually need and value, and then seeing if I can provide that. Like maybe being there for them and sharing a life and caring for them can be evidenced as much in the details of the day-to-day, as in the broad sweeps that feel more real to me.  (Also, omg, speaking of which, no wonder Jim & I never worked, lol.)



In summary: Different people are different. Other people have different values. You can ask them.


If there’s anything I’d change, then no worries and no self-blame, just change it. Beyond that, do what I can; let the rest go.


The values that most define me: Intensity, Openness, Unconditional love and acceptance (when I feel it may be reciprocated), Trust that people’s hearts and intents are good, Vulnerability, Independence and autonomy for myself and others.   “I am my own. But I share.”