Notes from the road
Aug. 22nd, 2011 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sqwookDo I like traveling more than arriving? - Anticipation, having a focus, being in the moment and present, movement and change. Via P. – Maybe by changing my environment I can see patterns.
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“Now the sun leads in the May, now desire of action wakes, and the wish to roam.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, from May Day
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Linden (tilia) – Mystic, poet, dreamer child. Follow your heart. Inner desire and strength. See beyond appearances. For our dreams to manifest, we must pursue them. The beauty of life, death, transformation.
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It’s been a long two weeks, of very hard questions. What happens when people die? What will happen when I die? At what point did I do enough? If I’ll never feel like I have had enough time in my life, how will I ever be okay with that? Am I doing the right things? Is that a false question? Is, instead, ‘being’ the more important concern than ‘doing’? Are these questions even answerable? If they’re impossible, how do you get past them? Does it stem from guilt? If it does, is there something I can figure out to do differently? Is it something I’m willing and able to do?
Realization regarding family: I don’t feel lacking in /all/ relationships in my life, and the ones where I don’t feel that way, it is easy and It flows (at least most of the time), /and/ these are the people with whom I many of the same values. The people where I feel I won’t measure up have different values. SO – Maybe the measuring stick is different. Maybe my fears that I won’t be enough are not even needed; maybe the things that are troubling me are not on their radar in the same way at all. Sometimes, I can be willing to not get what would mean the most to me out of some particular interaction, if I’m helping them get what they need. So if deep conversations are my thing for what makes a strong connection, I could be compassionate to the idea that it’s not the only possibility: for others, it may be time spent together, even if that doesn’t feel ideal to me.
It’s worth me taking the time to ponder: From /their/ values system, what would be helpful to them? And – you could really just /ask/ them, if you’re not sure.
(Often it feels very, very difficult to ask, because I feel I should be able to know exactly what to do for everyone, and that not knowing is a failing. But it would be helpful to get over myself on this, because as much as it’s hard for me to ask, it may be harder for the other person to tell me what they need without having been asked.)
The only things I know to do in life are to love intensely, connect and share deeply, be extremely open. But these things, these things that, again, are literally all I know to be important, are not even on my parents’ radar in the same way at all. But if it’s worth me worrying about measuring up, then it’s worth figuring out what they do actually need and value, and then seeing if I can provide that. Like maybe being there for them and sharing a life and caring for them can be evidenced as much in the details of the day-to-day, as in the broad sweeps that feel more real to me. (Also, omg, speaking of which, no wonder Jim & I never worked, lol.)
In summary: Different people are different. Other people have different values. You can ask them.
If there’s anything I’d change, then no worries and no self-blame, just change it. Beyond that, do what I can; let the rest go.
The values that most define me: Intensity, Openness, Unconditional love and acceptance (when I feel it may be reciprocated), Trust that people’s hearts and intents are good, Vulnerability, Independence and autonomy for myself and others. “I am my own. But I share.”
----------
“Now the sun leads in the May, now desire of action wakes, and the wish to roam.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, from May Day
----------
Linden (tilia) – Mystic, poet, dreamer child. Follow your heart. Inner desire and strength. See beyond appearances. For our dreams to manifest, we must pursue them. The beauty of life, death, transformation.
----------
It’s been a long two weeks, of very hard questions. What happens when people die? What will happen when I die? At what point did I do enough? If I’ll never feel like I have had enough time in my life, how will I ever be okay with that? Am I doing the right things? Is that a false question? Is, instead, ‘being’ the more important concern than ‘doing’? Are these questions even answerable? If they’re impossible, how do you get past them? Does it stem from guilt? If it does, is there something I can figure out to do differently? Is it something I’m willing and able to do?
Realization regarding family: I don’t feel lacking in /all/ relationships in my life, and the ones where I don’t feel that way, it is easy and It flows (at least most of the time), /and/ these are the people with whom I many of the same values. The people where I feel I won’t measure up have different values. SO – Maybe the measuring stick is different. Maybe my fears that I won’t be enough are not even needed; maybe the things that are troubling me are not on their radar in the same way at all. Sometimes, I can be willing to not get what would mean the most to me out of some particular interaction, if I’m helping them get what they need. So if deep conversations are my thing for what makes a strong connection, I could be compassionate to the idea that it’s not the only possibility: for others, it may be time spent together, even if that doesn’t feel ideal to me.
It’s worth me taking the time to ponder: From /their/ values system, what would be helpful to them? And – you could really just /ask/ them, if you’re not sure.
(Often it feels very, very difficult to ask, because I feel I should be able to know exactly what to do for everyone, and that not knowing is a failing. But it would be helpful to get over myself on this, because as much as it’s hard for me to ask, it may be harder for the other person to tell me what they need without having been asked.)
The only things I know to do in life are to love intensely, connect and share deeply, be extremely open. But these things, these things that, again, are literally all I know to be important, are not even on my parents’ radar in the same way at all. But if it’s worth me worrying about measuring up, then it’s worth figuring out what they do actually need and value, and then seeing if I can provide that. Like maybe being there for them and sharing a life and caring for them can be evidenced as much in the details of the day-to-day, as in the broad sweeps that feel more real to me. (Also, omg, speaking of which, no wonder Jim & I never worked, lol.)
In summary: Different people are different. Other people have different values. You can ask them.
If there’s anything I’d change, then no worries and no self-blame, just change it. Beyond that, do what I can; let the rest go.
The values that most define me: Intensity, Openness, Unconditional love and acceptance (when I feel it may be reciprocated), Trust that people’s hearts and intents are good, Vulnerability, Independence and autonomy for myself and others. “I am my own. But I share.”
