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Jul. 1st, 2012 08:02 amDoing okay now, just posting the 2:00 a.m. thoughts here because it can be helpful for me to see later.
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There is always that nagging suspicion that those who think I am worthless to them might be right, that I might be worthless as a person… and that leads to fears that I therefore do not deserve to exist, or, well, actually, that I do not deserve to have any people in my life. Like as punishment for my idiocy, or my naivete, or all that is awful about me.
I can feel when my head is not clear, and I can sense that these thoughts are probably not fully true, and sometimes it’s so hard to pick my way clear. Through, just need to keep going through. Deep breaths.
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So.
When I'm not thinking clearly, sometimes I need rest. It's good for me to take care of myself in the best way I can; it's really the best thing I can do, because everything else I do will stem from that. It's okay for taking care of myself to include rest. Rest can definitely include spending time with family, yet probably does not mean a day that includes (all in one day!) meeting for early breakfast, a hike, lunch, sightseeing, a second hike, driving down the long difficult back-roads way, preparing dinner at home for 5, and coordinating and finishing a 1000-piece mail-merge mailing with their help. It's all good, each individual part is good. Fantastic, even, to be able to spend time with them. My last actual day off was 14 days ago, before the trade show, which is the most important work-related event of the year. It's okay to need to rest.
---
There is always that nagging suspicion that those who think I am worthless to them might be right, that I might be worthless as a person… and that leads to fears that I therefore do not deserve to exist, or, well, actually, that I do not deserve to have any people in my life. Like as punishment for my idiocy, or my naivete, or all that is awful about me.
I can feel when my head is not clear, and I can sense that these thoughts are probably not fully true, and sometimes it’s so hard to pick my way clear. Through, just need to keep going through. Deep breaths.
---
So.
When I'm not thinking clearly, sometimes I need rest. It's good for me to take care of myself in the best way I can; it's really the best thing I can do, because everything else I do will stem from that. It's okay for taking care of myself to include rest. Rest can definitely include spending time with family, yet probably does not mean a day that includes (all in one day!) meeting for early breakfast, a hike, lunch, sightseeing, a second hike, driving down the long difficult back-roads way, preparing dinner at home for 5, and coordinating and finishing a 1000-piece mail-merge mailing with their help. It's all good, each individual part is good. Fantastic, even, to be able to spend time with them. My last actual day off was 14 days ago, before the trade show, which is the most important work-related event of the year. It's okay to need to rest.
