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Sep. 12th, 2012 12:35 pmArgh. Talking myself out of some panic by writing here. And I'm changing verb tenses all over the place in my editing as I write.
I have started to actually feel better for a couple weeks now, which is so great after months and months of crying and high(-er than sustainable) panic-type anxiety and depression. I've had very few days in the past couple weeks of crying or ... immobility? inconsolability? numb depression? I don't know the word -- so it's been so much better than I have felt up until now. And a feeling of some resilience and self-worth has started to return, lo these many months on.
Then, sometimes when I start to think that I am okay, I do things that are unhelpful to me. And then I feel ashamed & I hate myself because, I mean, don't I know better? But, okay, even /knowing/ what is helpful & what isn't is good. Realizing sooner is good. Redirecting to something different is good. Not staying non-functional for days is good. Having support is good. Having my giant list of other things to do is good. *phone call* Oh! Having a partner who calls & smiles & says, "just come home for lunch and we'll regroup" is good.
As a tangent: I always want to be more and more open and vulnerable, yet almost all my posts here are friends-locked or filtered now. Love and trust; my belief in them had been shattered; it's being rebuilt. This post is open for the moment.
I have started to actually feel better for a couple weeks now, which is so great after months and months of crying and high(-er than sustainable) panic-type anxiety and depression. I've had very few days in the past couple weeks of crying or ... immobility? inconsolability? numb depression? I don't know the word -- so it's been so much better than I have felt up until now. And a feeling of some resilience and self-worth has started to return, lo these many months on.
Then, sometimes when I start to think that I am okay, I do things that are unhelpful to me. And then I feel ashamed & I hate myself because, I mean, don't I know better? But, okay, even /knowing/ what is helpful & what isn't is good. Realizing sooner is good. Redirecting to something different is good. Not staying non-functional for days is good. Having support is good. Having my giant list of other things to do is good. *phone call* Oh! Having a partner who calls & smiles & says, "just come home for lunch and we'll regroup" is good.
As a tangent: I always want to be more and more open and vulnerable, yet almost all my posts here are friends-locked or filtered now. Love and trust; my belief in them had been shattered; it's being rebuilt. This post is open for the moment.
