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Dec. 31st, 2011 08:49 pmThis year has been at times emotionally challenging for the honesty and intimacy and openness it has asked of me -- and also exceedingly amazing for that same reason.
The theme of the year is humility. Or, shall we say, balance. The balance between the black and the white. Between perfect and useless. Between ideal qualities I aim to embody, and those qualities' shadow sides. Between strength and vulnerability, both so vitally important. Of finding a way I can somehow still cherish myself, in the face of my own imperfections.
My deepest fear, the thing that can crush me with terror in the middle of the night, is that I'm 'not good enough', for some amorphous, impossible-to-attain, glitteringly-perfect value of 'good enough'. And. /Sigh/. That deepest fear is sometimes true, as wrenchingly awful as that is for me. Sometimes I let people down, sometimes I disappoint them, and each time, it tears me apart. Sometimes my actions really are not good enough. And at all times I am human.
I can only have faith that in the grand scheme of things, all is right. I can continue to love those I love, and offer my unconditional positive regard and acceptance. And I can hope they will continue to love me.
It's New Year's Eve. I'm exhausted and sick and should have taken a nap today. I'm definitely not going to be awake at midnight. But it's not the turning of the clock at midnight. It's not the night, at all. It's the dawn.
I hope there's sunshine tomorrow. I'll be out in nature, on the wooded trail, by a stream, in the sunshine, under the infinite sky. And, okay, even if there's not sunshine, it's still a new year, a new day, a new moment. And I am here. And I'm still a miracle. Despite all my flaws. As are you.
Light, love, joy.
The theme of the year is humility. Or, shall we say, balance. The balance between the black and the white. Between perfect and useless. Between ideal qualities I aim to embody, and those qualities' shadow sides. Between strength and vulnerability, both so vitally important. Of finding a way I can somehow still cherish myself, in the face of my own imperfections.
My deepest fear, the thing that can crush me with terror in the middle of the night, is that I'm 'not good enough', for some amorphous, impossible-to-attain, glitteringly-perfect value of 'good enough'. And. /Sigh/. That deepest fear is sometimes true, as wrenchingly awful as that is for me. Sometimes I let people down, sometimes I disappoint them, and each time, it tears me apart. Sometimes my actions really are not good enough. And at all times I am human.
I can only have faith that in the grand scheme of things, all is right. I can continue to love those I love, and offer my unconditional positive regard and acceptance. And I can hope they will continue to love me.
It's New Year's Eve. I'm exhausted and sick and should have taken a nap today. I'm definitely not going to be awake at midnight. But it's not the turning of the clock at midnight. It's not the night, at all. It's the dawn.
I hope there's sunshine tomorrow. I'll be out in nature, on the wooded trail, by a stream, in the sunshine, under the infinite sky. And, okay, even if there's not sunshine, it's still a new year, a new day, a new moment. And I am here. And I'm still a miracle. Despite all my flaws. As are you.
Light, love, joy.
